Christmas morning at the White House took a strange and unexpected turn as President Joe Biden spent the holiday focused on finalizing pardons, while his family struggled to keep things lighthearted, according to a recent parody in the Daily Mail.

In the estimation of satirical commentator Kennedy, the Bidens' final Christmas together in the White House was likely marked by surreal moments, awkward interactions, and chaotic interruptions as Joe Biden stayed busy with his clemency list, leaving his family to react with humor and frustration.

The day began, Kennedy suggested, with Dr. Jill Biden finding her husband at his desk, wearing a red MAGA sleeping cap and a Trump 2024 onesie.

He was writing his final clemency list, which included “naughty people” both in Washington and in prisons. Jill scolded him for the unusual attire, saying, “Joey, you know I don’t allow crayons in the bedroom” when she saw him using a crayon to make notes.

Hunter Biden entered the room soon after, clearly frustrated. He complained about receiving coal in his Christmas stocking, allegedly sent by the Chinese government. “Awww, Pop, Christmas isn’t the same now that you’re a toothless lame duck,” he grumbled, reflecting on the loss of their once extravagant lifestyle. “We used to vacation in Nantucket and Santa Barbara in the homes of billionaires, but now we’re worthless to them,” he added.

To lighten the mood, Joe Biden texted his wealthy friend, private equity investor David Rubenstein, but Rubenstein’s reply was a simple “New phone, who dis?” Joe, still determined to make Christmas special, decided to cancel the family celebration in favor of a “pardon party.” His clemency list included names like “Shifty Senator Adam Schiff,” “Shutdown Doctor Tony Fauci,” “Uncle Jim,” and even Bashar al-Assad. “Dad, you can’t pardon Assad,” Hunter protested, but Joe laughed off the suggestion, quipping, “Malarky, Santa Claus is all-powerful!”

Suddenly, a bearded figure appeared from the fireplace, claiming to be the “ghost of the future of the US justice system.” Hunter quickly recognized the apparition as his lawyer, Kevin Morris, and scolded him for smoking a bong in the White House. “Cut it out, Kevin,” Hunter said, adding, “No bong smoking in the People’s House.”

Kamala Harris and Her Unconventional Inauguration Plans

The scene then shifted to the East Room, where press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was seen hanging a “Happy Birthday” banner upside-down. Kamala Harris, on a ladder in a mauve pantsuit, was preparing for her 2029 inauguration. “Krazy Kamala, is that you?” Joe asked as he entered the room. Kamala responded with enthusiasm, saying her campaign slogan would be “Make America Grape Again” because of her love for wine.

Joe Biden, ever the jokester, quipped that he would become the future head of the DEA. “Right, and I’m going to be the head of the DEA,” he joked. Hunter, unimpressed, mocked Kamala’s inauguration plans, while Jill Biden shifted the conversation to Doug, who was at home studying the Hanukkah story with Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib. Kamala, with her usual flair, added, “It turns out the Maccabees were committing genocide, not the Greeks,” a statement that left everyone a bit confused.

Unexpected Visitors and Surreal Moments

The surprises didn’t end there, according to Kennedy. Joe ordered the family’s dog, Commander, to “attack” Kamala, but the dog ignored the command. Jill then noticed a figure outside with a “waxy, Botoxed face.” “Is that Caitlyn Jenner?” she asked, but Karine Jean-Pierre corrected her, revealing it was Rep. Matt Gaetz, who had arrived seeking a preemptive pardon.

Joe Biden quickly dismissed Gaetz’s request, saying he could not condone “rampant drug abuse and the solicitation of prostitution.”

However, Joe, with his usual humor, allowed a “minor incursion” into the White House, leading Gaetz to break a window and take the first four rows of chairs.

The family’s attention was diverted when former President Barack Obama entered, visibly annoyed by Joe’s unplanned party. “Joey, I told you not to have any parties while I was away. What is going on here?” Obama asked.

Joe apologized with a grin, saying, “My apologies, Your Highness,” before offering Obama a chance to “trash the place.” Obama, unimpressed, walked out, declining the offer.

Closing Moments and a Surreal Family Christmas

Despite the bizarre events of the day, the Biden family came together, Kennedy posited, for one final moment of togetherness in the White House. Hunter, Jill, Kamala, and Karine Jean-Pierre gathered around Joe for a group hug to mark their last Christmas in the residence.

“Merry Christmas, Dad,” Hunter said, to which Joe, ever the joker, replied, “What’s Christmas?” The family shared a laugh, wrapping up a chaotic and surreal final holiday in the White House.

As the Bidens’ final Christmas at the White House came to a close, their memories of the holiday were filled with strange characters, awkward moments, and humor amidst the chaos.

While their time in the White House is winding down, this last Christmas together will undoubtedly remain a memorable one in the history of their presidency, at least if Kennedy's telling of it is at all accurate.